Ep #45: 5 Powerful Steps to Stop Perfectionism in Its Tracks

Hey Coach, or rather, hey high achiever, because that's who you are. Yes, I'm talking to you, my beautiful perfectionists today. Perfectionism, it's this crazy thing. It can either motivate you to achieve your dreams, your goals as a coach, or it can trigger feeling like you haven't done anything worthy ever.

I'm Kendall, tune in to today's episode where I'm going to share with you five powerful steps I discovered that stop perfectionism in its tracks. And what that does is leave you free to benefit from the healthy positive side of perfectionism because yes, that does exist too. So if you're craving to feel a release from perfectionism, this is the episode for you. It's all here for you in this episode of The Money Coach School Podcast. Let's dive in.

Welcome to The Money Coach School Podcast. To really excel at coaching women, you have to be skilled, confident, and even fearless at money coaching. If you're passionate about women holding genuine money power and love supporting women entrepreneurs, then this is the show for you. Now, here's your host, money feminist Kendall SummerHawk.

Hello, beautiful coach. I actually should start this episode with, hey, high achiever, because let's be honest, That's who you are. You're the one who holds herself to the highest of standards and you're the toughest on yourself when you don't achieve everything that you think you should. And I'm putting should in air quotes here.

Now I get you because I am that woman too. Perfectionism is this crazy thing because it can definitely motivate you to achieve your dreams, your goals, spur you into action, or it can trigger feeling like you've not done anything worthy ever. So how do you capitalize on the positives of perfectionism? Because yes, there are positives. And at the same time, hold yourself with compassion so that you can truly own your worthiness.

I actually discovered how to strike the perfect balance. Sorry, I couldn't resist that pun. Seriously though, I did discover how to strike a healthy balance between the shadow side of perfectionism and the gifts it actually has to offer you. And I'm honored to share what I discovered here with you today in our time together.

So the key is simple, and the mainstay of its success is to stop trying to battle or negotiate with your perfectionism. You are never going to win that battle, and all it does is cause you more stress. Understand this though, perfectionism has a duality to it that once you do understand it and you start to work with it, then you can relax into the positives that this trait can offer you and release the negative aspects.

So I looked at the definition of perfectionism because I'm a word nerd and found this description that really hits the nail on the head. It is that perfectionism is a person's striving for flawlessness and setting excessively high performance standards accompanied by overly critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations. Holy smokes, that sounds horrible.

So the thing to understand is this though, it comes from childhood. Perfectionism is a coping mechanism and its intention originally is to create a sense of safety around us, to protect us. It's kind of like we say to ourselves, if I can control everything around me, maybe bad things won't happen to me. Or it's like saying maybe so-and-so will feel better and I'll be safe.

So what starts in childhood as a coping mechanism turns into as an adult, hyper self-criticism. And with it, all those feelings of shame that somehow we are not fundamentally lovable as we are. So if you don't change your relationship with perfectionism, you won't ever get where you want to go with your goals and what it is that you want to achieve and the things that you want to experience for yourself. It's like being on the down escalator, only you're facing up.

As a coach, you're doing new things all of the time. So that means you're going to be challenging perfectionism all of the time. Things like going on camera, raising your fees, being a podcast guest, anything that's elevating you up to that new exciting level. And that's where the unconscious side of perfectionism says, "Oh God, I can't do those things," or "I'm terrible, I won't be any good," whatever your particular flavor of self-talk is.

But remember, I said there's a duality to perfectionism, right? So what can coexist is a healthy side of perfectionism, a side that is motivated by high standards in a positive way, and to use those standards to elevate who you are, who you work with, elevate the boundaries that you create and how you're treated, and use it to stick to your values about what success and making money looks like for you.

You can be a high achiever, focused on breaking through your own glass ceiling, and, this is the really important part, and be okay with the mistakes and the setbacks that happen and not let them weigh you down or let them define you in a negative way.

So how do you get from soul-crushing and unconscious perfectionism over to healthy perfectionism that you can have a positive relationship with and that elevates you into that gorgeous, continual upward spiral of self-development which makes achieving your goals so very sweet? How do you do that? I'm going to show you how.

Releasing perfectionism can happen for you if you're willing to do these five steps, even just some of the time. No perfect is needed here with any of these steps.

All right, step number one. Give yourself permission to not be at the top of your game when you are at the beginning of your game. This is you deciding in advance that you're going to give yourself time and repeated efforts to learn something and to improve. So it's not one and done and you suck, right? It's "I'm going to give myself six months to get comfortable, fully confident in all my A game with whatever it is that you're embarking on."

Step number two, allow yourself to be in process. So for example, let's say you know you need to get really good at being on camera. So that's something most coaches need to do. I've been on camera thousands of times, literally. I love being on camera. Was I always that confident? Of course not. Was I always that natural and good and on my game? Absolutely not.

So let's say your goal is to sound natural, to let your passion show. That was always one of, and still is one of my goals always when I'm on camera is to let my passion show. Let's say your goal is to feel confident, to open your talk with authority, to deliver great content, to have a clear call to action. So all of those things.

Now, if you try to be perfect at all of it, immediately, you are setting yourself up to get into that negative critical place. So instead, just focus on one element, like opening with authority, for example. Just practice that. Give yourself a chance to be amazing at just that one element, and then move on to the next element.

I call this layering, and it is such a brilliant strategy for making forward progress without getting into a power struggle with perfectionism. And definitely celebrate every element you're learning as you learn it.

Step number three, lower the significance of any one thing you give yourself to do in your coaching. So in other words, you're going to give yourself more turns up at bat. As an example here with our video, one video does not your entire coaching career make.

If you say that you're going to make your first video , It has a different level of pressure and expectation than if you say that you're going to make your first video out of the next 100 videos. Gives it a little more perspective, doesn't it? One versus one out of the next 100. That's lowering the significance of any one thing you give yourself to do.

All right, step number four, love yourself for the effort. What I see is that we perfectionists, We self-criticize in place of anyone else doing it for us. Why would they when we're really good at it? But negative self-talk for a perfectionist, it's devastating. It's devastating for everybody, let's be honest.

You know, self-talk of "I'm terrible," "I'm lousy," "that was awful," "I could have sounded better, looked better, been better," whatever. Perfectionism is a fundamental fear that who you are is not okay. That's why there's so much shame attached to it. And it's a habit that you can change if you meet it with equally strong emotions.

Now, what I'm about to coach you to do, yes, may sound a little silly at first, but what I like to do is this, and it's so well worth it. I like to use self-talk in the second person, as if I'm speaking to the most beautiful, the most loved person that I've ever met in my life, talking about myself. So that's what I want you to do for yourself. I want you to talk about yourself in the second person, as if this person is the most beautiful, loved person ever.

So it sounds like this. It starts with, "I love you for..." fill in the blank, or it could start with, "I love that you..." fill in the blank. So for example, let's go back to our being on camera example. You could say, "I love that you showed up on video like that. I love that you looked into the camera like it was someone you would love to help and to coach. I love that you already put on your calendar being on camera two more times this week." It's as simple as that. You just shower yourself with appreciation.

And if you do this daily, first thing in the morning, even before you do whatever that task is you're going to do, and then you do it as the last part of your workday and your coaching business, what happens is you flood yourself with reaffirming, compassionate emotions. It's really impossible for the criticism of perfectionism to even get a word in edgewise. And if that critical voice tries to pop up, you can just shush it. You go, "shush, shush, I'm talking here." Love that.

All right, step number five, be relentless and be uncompromising about being around people who support you at the highest vibration. And I'm talking about every single day, not just once a week or once a month or whenever. And you can do this in a variety of ways that are really simple. You can be part of Facebook groups, you can be in various communities, you can listen to uplifting podcasts like this one, you can watch inspiring people on YouTube, you can listen to uplifting music.

The point is, similar to that incredible self-talk of compassion and acceptance, when you flood your senses and your spirit, your soul with support, you literally change the neurochemicals in your brain.

All right, so to wrap up, the positive side of perfectionism includes having high standards, and that's okay. It is okay to have high standards. It is okay to be a high achiever. It is okay to challenge yourself to see what you're capable of. That can be fun, it's exciting, and it really contributes enormously to you creating a life well-lived.

It's exciting to use that desire you have to achieve to continually elevate. That's who you are and I love you for that. Just be sure to strike that balance by using these five steps to keep your feelings of worthiness 100% intact because you are worthy, perfectionism and all. You are worthy as a woman of high standards. You are worthy as a woman who wants the best for herself and for others. You are worthy as a woman who challenges herself to expand, to grow, and to redefine herself. It all comes down to just three simple words. You are worthy.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for your loyalty. Drop me an e-mail at podcast@kendallsummerhawk.com to ask any question you want about money, pricing, and coaching. I'm here for you. And if you're not already following the show, definitely follow the show. And if you feel motivated to take just a moment to leave me a five-star review, oh my gosh, I would so love and appreciate that. All right, I will see you next week in our next episode. 

Thank you so much for tuning in to this week's episode of The Money Coach School Podcast. If you enjoyed this podcast, make sure you follow so you never miss an episode. Also, I would so love and appreciate if you would leave a 5-star review. Your review supports women just like you in discovering all of the juicy tips and insights I’m sharing here on how to coach women on money.

And if you want to learn how to excel at coaching women on money, definitely go to KendallSummerHawk.com and check out the wealth of money coach trainings that we have for you. Thanks so much for being part of this money coaching movement and for tuning into the show every week.